I’m not going to lie: when I first heard the news that, even as a key worker, I was expected to work from home whilst also looking after my two year old there were tears. As a part time teacher, I spend two days a week with my daughter and the other three days she is at nursery or with her grandparents. This is enough for me. Whilst I (sometimes) enjoy spending time with my daughter, I also love working, playing netball, going for brunch with my friends and spending days and nights away.
The news came as a shock. Aside from the fact that the whole world is being infected with a deadly virus, I was about to enter my own personal Room 101: being stuck in 24/7 with a toddler.
A week on and it’s not been as horrendous as I thought it would be. Yes there have been meltdowns and lots of internal swearing on my part but there’s also been lots of laughter.
This surreal take on reality has almost become the new normal. I’m finding just focusing on each day as it comes is more manageable than thinking about the bigger picture and the magnitude of the dystopia we’re all now living in.
I’m sure that this first week has been a steep learning curve for all working mums with toddlers, but here are my top-tips so far for surviving the apocalypse:
Plan activities that you also enjoy
If you’re anything like me, your idea of entertaining your toddler is going to a toddler group so you can chat to your mates and drink coffee whilst your child plays. I can handle playing with my daughter in small doses, but I find any longer excruciating. Therefore, faced with ten hours a day of entertaining her was a daunting prospect. Whilst my daughter may enjoy dressing her doll for hours at a time, I do not enjoy this; especially as I’m the one who ultimately has to do the undressing and redressing as my daughter can’t physically do it herself. Activities like this make me want to hide the damn thing in the dustbin. Baking, on the other hand, is something I can get on board with as baking leads to my favourite thing in the whole world: eating. As well as this, cake is the ultimate bribery tool and sitting down for coffee, babycinno and cake at 11am makes me feel like I’m out brunching with my mates. Almost.
I’ve also enjoyed jumping on the Joe Wicks bandwagon. Whilst my daughter might manage one of the exercises before giving up and wrapping her toy camel in a tea towel for 20 minutes, I have been able to build up a bit of a sweat. Exercising first thing seems to be having a positive impact on my mood and it’s a good way to waste half an hour before coffee and cake time!
Video chat
Another excellent time waster is a video chat! Now that my daughter can’t physically see her friends and relatives it’s a great way for her to keep in touch with them whilst Mummy has a chat! She has got a little bit upset that she can’t actually get in the phone and play with them but she has enjoyed singing to my dad! I’m sure he regretted the call after ten verses of ‘Old Macdonald’ (who apparently now has a cup of coffee and a phone as well as a sheep and a pig), but it gave me an opportunity to put my feet up.
Be prepared for unexpected downtime
As much as my daughter absolutely loves Mummy to sit on the floor with her in her designated spot (not a centimetre either way) to do puzzles, stickers and writing practice, there have also been moments over the past week when she has miraculously started entertaining herself. Last night she spent 20 minutes rolling around in a drawer of her clothes that has been on the floor for two weeks. Now, whilst she didn’t want me to actually assist with this activity, she did go berserk every time I tried to leave the room to get my phone/go to the toilet or do anything more stimulating than watching someone roll about in a drawer. This episode has taught me never to leave a room without my phone. I may even leave a couple of magazines around the house should the opportunity arise. Earlier today, instead of helping Mummy tidy up a puzzle, she decided to go and ‘read’ five of her books to herself. Instead of getting cross and starting the ‘naughty step’ tug of war, I simply responded ‘your choice’, put up my feet and caught up on WhatsApp.
Make cleaning and tidying an activity
As soon as lockdown was announced, one of my first thoughts was ‘who’s going to clean my house?’ Turns out I have a willing little slave of my own. Whilst my daughter has been helping with the washing for months: she loves nothing more than spraying stain remover on every single inch of every single item; this week we’ve taken it to a whole new level! She now cleans the floor, vacuums and washes the windows! Now, when I say ‘vacuum’ the vacuum bit is not actually attached but she’s happy, nonetheless, gliding it around the kitchen. I noticed the other morning that she was enjoying using a cleaning wipe on the floor so I cashed in on that and filled up an empty anti-bacterial spray with water and gave her a tea towel and sent her on her way. I kid you not; she then proceeded to wash everything downstairs and everything in the garden whilst Mummy enjoyed the sunshine and a cuppa!
TV
Obviously, the number one survival method is the TV, but as my daughter still naps for a couple of hours a day, I do try and keep this to a maximum of two hours a day. Now that she’s not going to nursery and having ‘screen-free’ days, I’m even more conscious that I don’t want to go mad (obviously video chats, Joe Wicks and online toddler groups don’t count). Rather than watching an hour every morning before going out like we usually do, I’ve tried to break this down into smaller, bite-size chunks to punctuate the morning. This has been great to give us both a break and has provided three opportunities for bribery every morning instead of one!
Have a break
After six days of lockdown, I lost my shit. I think I should receive a medal for lasting that long to be honest. For some reason I felt like I had to be entertaining my daughter constantly when I wasn’t working and that, even on the weekend, I should limit my me-time to nap time only. Whilst reflecting on this yesterday, I realised that I needed a break. Doing whatever the hell I want during nap-time doesn’t count as she’s asleep anyway. For some reason, after being a stay-at-home-working-mum for one week, I’d got sucked into the ‘intensive mothering’ cultural ideology that dictates that mum is responsible for everything and should exhaust herself trying to be perfect in all domains. Fuck that. I don’t buy into that in normal life, so why did I think that that should be the case during lockdown? If anything, these unprecedented circumstances mean that we all need to protect our mental health even more than usual. After my daughter woke up from her nap, I asked my partner if he’d mind if I took the dog out (which of course he didn’t but I’d told myself that I must be present for my daughter as all times as we were in lockdown). Getting out for a couple of hours and having a break from parenting made me feel almost euphoric. I managed to get some fresh air, clear my head, talk to my mum and sister and bump into two people that I know. Having a face-to-face conversation (from two metres away) with someone other than my immediate family for the first time in six days felt amazing – I can’t believe how much we take social interaction for granted in our normal lives and how important it is. I returned from that walk a new woman: refreshed and ready to take on the next week.
Hang out in the garden
Now this is an obvious one, but, if you’re lucky enough to have a garden, this is a brilliant way to get some vitamin D and be at one with nature. And, if you’re a sun worshipper like me, an excellent way to parent whilst working on your tan (for the first few days of lockdown anyway). Also, on the theme of activities that can simultaneously entertain myself and my daughter, I now have a netball post so I can shoot some hoops whilst she rips all of the petals off of Daddy’s flowers.
Make meal times an event
In our household, dinner time is the best time of the day. Whether that’s Mummy and Daddy’s post-bedtime Gousto, Netflix and (literal) chill, or our daughter’s three course meal at 5pm, it’s the only time of the day when we get any peace and quiet. Our daughter loves her food and is more than happy to sit there munching looking out on the garden whilst giving her parents a rest. Now that we’ve discovered Annabel Karmel’s ready meals for kids, this time is even less labour-intensive.
As well as this, snack time is also a good 30 minute activity. The only rule is that she can only have snacks that take impossibly long to eat (rice cakes with peanut butter are good) and there is no sharing involved as Mummy’s snack is ‘spicy’.
Slow down
If they want to change outfits 7,000 times a day, let them! Equally, if they fancy fannying around for 20 minutes before they actually lie down for a nappy change, go with it! What else is there to do? These sort of things used to stress me out so much as I was always in a hurry to get somewhere on time. Now I see these annoyances for what they are: ways to pass the time and be alone with your thoughts.
Try and enjoy it
My dad messaged me earlier saying how lucky I was to be spending this unexpected time with my daughter whilst she’s changing so much. I thought he was winding me up. I then realised that he was right. Upon reflection, I have enjoyed spending time with my daughter much more than I normally would. I hate to say it but usually I see parenting as a chore and something to be endured until 7pm but on the whole this week has been a lot of fun. Yes, there have been tantrums and teething and three trips to the naughty step in the space of ten minutes on one morning, but there have also been lots of cuddles and squeals of delight and joy. Unfortunately my dad is not going to be able to see her for at least three months (not in person anyway) and when he first realised this he sobbed; so, as much as the days have been long and hard, every evening I do go to bed feeling incredibly grateful.
I’m sure in 500 weeks’ time I won’t feel so mellow; I’m sure I’ll skip away with delight when I first drop my daughter off at nursery again! Having said that, I’m sure part of me will miss her and aspects of lockdown as well. In some ways, this slower, more laid-back pace of life has suited me (I’ve not been well for the past six months so I didn’t have the energy to do a lot anyway). I’ve enjoyed rainbow-spotting and acknowledging the existence of my neighbours and that feeling of being at one with the rest of the world.
I read yesterday that we should really try and savour this time and remember it as we’re living through history and not everyone will be fortunate enough to see the other side.
In the future we’ll go from trying to fill the time to having no time again.
Yes, spending time with a toddler is stressful and monotonous and sometimes unbearable but they are also super-cute as well. Some days it will be a case of counting down the seconds until bedtime but at least they give you a reason to get up the next day.