It’s not much of an exaggeration to say that the global pandemic has barely been on my radar for the past 18 months. The truth is, I was actually glad to be forced to stay home. You see, just before we all lost our freedom, mine had already been taken away from me. I went from being a fun-loving extrovert who never rested, to someone who spent a large percentage of the day at home sitting. Chronic illness is a bitch. I’ve spent the last year and a half doing everything in my power to try and feel better and, quite frankly, it’s exhausting. As I’ve been so consumed with my illness, I feel like I’ve completely lost touch with the person I was; I don’t know where the illness stops and I begin. That’s part of the problem. I’ve been so focused on trying to get better that I’ve lost sight of the here and now. I can’t ever just enjoy something; I’m always focused on how I would have enjoyed it so much more without my illness. It’s like a broken record in my head. Poor me.
Recently, I’ve been feeling particularly low. I keep thinking about my life six years ago and wishing I could go back. Back then I was at the top of my game. I was thriving at work; my physical health was in tip-top condition and, thanks to positive psychology, mentally I was flourishing too. I was in such a good place that I genuinely thought that I was awesome: I was brimming with confidence and happiness. Don’t get me wrong, it had taken a lot of work. At the end of 2014 my mental health was in tatters. Due to a range of factors, I was in a dark place. It was around that time that I discovered positive psychology: the science of human flourishing. Fundamental to positive psychology is the concept of the happiness pie. Research suggests that 50% of our well-being is down to our genes: some of us are just more predisposed to happiness than others. Surprisingly, only 10% is down to our circumstances. Yes, things like death, divorce and even a global pandemic only affect us so much. We quickly go back to our set-point. The game-changer is the final 40%: what we actually do; the decisions we make - intentional activity. Finding this out blew my mind - we actually have a massive amount of control over how we feel. I’d been feeling so out of control, in a downward spiral of unhappiness, and, suddenly, I realised I had a choice: I chose to be happy. It changed my life. Over the next couple of years I joined a netball team, completed the Bristol 10K, studied English Literature at masters level, travelled around Asia and met some amazing new friends. I was flourishing; I loved my life. I even had happiness tattooed on my wrist to remind me that it was the most important thing and that I needed to prioritise it.
Fast forward six years and I feel miserable a lot of the time. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for and that I do have a really good life, but the fatigue and anxiety I feel on a daily basis due to my illness makes it difficult to see that. Since receiving my diagnosis, I’ve lost sight of my purpose: to be happy. Every positive emotion is coupled with five negative ones. It’s draining. It’s got to the point where I’m absolutely sick of this illness ruling my life. I want to be happy again. Physically I might not get any better but maybe I need to accept that. There are certainly things I can do to try and relieve my symptoms but I think the main thing I need to adjust is my mind-set. I’ve got a chronic illness but it could be a lot worse. I could let it ruin my life or I could decide to flourish in spite of it. Yes, these days I might do a lot more sitting but I can decide to sit and read a book rather than obsessing about my illness. Six years ago I made the decision to be happy and now I’m going to do it again. It might look different to how it looked back then but I’m not the same person. I’m six years older for a start. I’m a mother. I also have a masters in Applied Positive Psychology. I’m an expert in happiness: it’s about time I stop being a victim and take control. I want to go from surviving to thriving and I’m the only person who can make that happen. Wish me luck!
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